Hey Team Ann Arbor,

[Steve]

Where's the midgets? Where's the midget rasslers? I know it's not PC to say that stuff anymore, but you ain't got nothin' 'less you got little person rasslin'.

[Scott Woods]

Hey Matt, can I be the first person on your list.  I'll be the 6'3", 300 lb. long haired ex-pro wrestling Indian with the big "B" on his hat.  Just come by and introduce yourself.  I'm sure we'll get along quite nicely.

Matt, don't sweat Creech.  He's all muscle, no speed.
I took this guy down with a throat chop in Worcestor at iWPS in front of everybody.  Ask Marsh.  He was standing there, and he just dropped his hat on the kid's face as he writhed on the floor, gasping for air.

"That chicken's done," he said, and walked away.

[Eric]

WWE Raw? Midgets? Various obscure kung fu disciplines? Animal House references?

All this chest pounding is just providing more evidence to support my case- the A2 Sausage Factory has produced another cadre of fragile male egos, only able to defend themselves with idle threats, instead of poetry. Keep talking. When Dawn, Caroline, and Simone club YOU upside the head with their poetry, and drag YOU back to the cave to take care of the ironing, I'll remember all this shouting and laugh at the irony of it all.

Last year, this trash talking was so much more eloquent, witty, and midgetless. Why? Because Deanna and Deb were involved. Now, it's only the Washtenaw County Brotherhood of the Schlong, yelling threats into cyberspace, and it's not nearly so poetic.

[LoGic]

Washtenaw County Brotherhood of the Schlong

heheheh he said... schlong

[Matt Ernst]

My dear Eric (The Apostate) Darby,

I don't remember ever mentioning the sexual make-up of our slam team, though perhaps your apparent obsession stemming from this is a telling insight into your own sexual insecurity.  Then again, all the metaphors you use to describe how you, or rather, your women will defeat us is laden with physical violence, so maybe you're not the sensative yet confused metrosexual I mistook you for, but instead just another swinging sausage like the rest of us.

Nor do I remember ever practicing "cock waving", except on stage, and even then only metaphorically.

What I do remember, though, is a guy named Eric Darby who represented two different Ann Arbor teams at Nats, the first of those teams having been, as you so eloquently put it, a "Team Wiener", while the second team had only one other male member aside from this aforementioned Eric Darby.  The other guy's name escapes me, but he did manage to become the A2 slam champ.  Perhaps the Eric Darby to which I refer just didn't relate well enough to the Ann Arbor bong engineers to win a championship.  Of course, this may all be mere coincidence, because as I recall, that particular Eric Darby never even lived in Ann Arbor.

As for a respectable sports team, there's a little university here in town that does fairly well in such things.  If I'm not mistaken, U of M won the NCAA softball championship this year, but then again they don't let men play on the team.  According to your logic, then, Ann Arbor should have a similar rule regarding the slam team -- and maybe that isn't such a bad idea -- then maybe you and I would actually be polishing our poetic works in peace instead polishing our shit-talking nobs in this forum.

I do admit, though, that you really got me with that zip code zinger.  OUCH.

Finally, regarding the inevitable pugilism that will take place on the streets of Albuquerque this August, to quote James Brown, "I don't know karate, I know kuh-razy."  This year I'm destined to be good and liquored up, and the ghost of Bukowski will be riding inside my ribcage, and I don't care who you are, 8' 10" and 900 pounds or whatever, you best just look the fuck out, because whenever I travel, I travel with my own personalized baseball bat.  And that aint no bullshit.

Peace-love-dope.

pidoonk bonk bloog.

--Curtis Ever-loving Longstroke

[edaniel]

This year I'm destined to be good and liquored up...

We are all going to die.

[LoGic]

boston... i see that one boston team wasn't enough, so they tried to gang up on us, one first night, another second night..what is this

how many boston teams are there... they're like friggin rabbits

boston cantab
boston lizard lounge
boston unplugged
boston part II: boston returns
Boston special victims unit
boston criminal intent
boston: Miami

[Matt Ernst]

Logic, my dear POSSE Brother--

I think you have this WHOLE anti-Boston thing wrong.

I think we should NOT stop at Boston.

I think we should decide to HATE the Entire Eastern Seaboard.

They do, after all, COVET our water.

All this bickering about OIL.

(I don't even DRIVE.)

It's our LAKES they want.

They're sick of SUCKING on saltwater.

And New Jersey TAPwater.

And their girlfriend's LAPwater.

And DC SAPwater.

But they can't HAVE our LAKES.

WE STAND UNITED AGAINST THE EAST, AND THE WEST, TAKING THE WATER FROM OUR FRESH BLUE SALT-FREE SHORES.

No more Mickey-Mouse, my MidWestern Brothers; Protect our WATER.

And our MUSTACHES.

And our WIDE collars.

And our '70s FUNK.

And our PRIAPIC penises.

CIVIL WAR!

We have STOCKPILES of cocaine.

We have NUCLEAR diaphragms.

We have ROBUST forests.

We have HIDDEN fishing holes.

We have IRRADIATED tampons.

We have SIDELONG glances.

You will NEVER defeat us.

We know how to operate HEAVY machinery, even while INTOXICATED.

BRING IT.

We're waiting...waiting...waiting.........................


--the Great Mistake by the Lake Collective--

[Eric]

What I do remember, though, is a guy named Eric Darby who represented two different Ann Arbor teams at Nats, the first of those teams having been, as you so eloquently put it, a "Team Wiener", while the second team had only one other male member aside from this aforementioned Eric Darby.  

Good point, Matt. Glad you brought this up. Where did our 2001 Boy Band team place? 37th or something? And when we added some estrogen in 2002, where did we end up? 18th? At least the Boy Band had a female alternate. With the great big "No Girls" sign hung on the A2 treehouse this year, and a 75 team NPS, you'll be lucky to be in the 50's on Friday morning.  

And I'm not too worried about your souvenir softball (that is all you've used it for lately, right?) bat, with your cute little nickname engraved on it, "Ernie".  You can bring bats, clubs, a trebuchet, whatever. We're bringing poetry.

boston... i see that one boston team wasn't enough, so they tried to gang up on us, one first night, another second night..what is this

how many boston teams are there... they're like friggin rabbits

Yup, we've got two teams, and we fill the venues EVERY WEEK! You guys in A2 are struggling to get 40 people to come out ONCE A MONTH. Listening to you hollering on stage twice a month was more than the poor citizens of Ann Arbor could bear, so they had to cancel the Dog Slam.  You'd think that, with two teams in our town, it would split the talent pool and dilute the teams, but, wait a minute- both Boston teams finished much higher than A2 last year.... hmmmm..... doesn't say much about A2's talent pool.

I see A2's talent pool like one of those 6-inch deep plastics ones from Walmart that are shaped like a hippo or a turtle. I don't crave your wading pool or your water or your lakes. I don't envy your dioxin-laden rivers and mercury poisoned Great Lakes fish. I look out my apartment window, see the Atlantic Ocean, and it reminds me of the sea of talent we have here, sending two damn fine teams to ABQ.

[Matt Ernst]

Excellent.

We've obviously hit a nerve.

[Matt Ernst]

Also,

It's official.

Irony is DEAD.

[pac diggity]

also, just cause you guys put on dresses doesn't mean you have girls on your team.

i mean.... I'm just sayin'....

[Eric]

Excellent.

We've obviously hit a nerve.

No, not really. You're just not giving me much to work with here- water envy? C'mon.

This was so much more fun with Deb and Deanna involved.

[Matt Ernst]

Darby--

You're right.

Although I don't remember Deb and Deanna being very involved.

Maybe I don't remember because Deb and Deanna were a lot nicer about it.

And maybe you find arguing with women to be much more enjoyable.  (I know I do.)

Or maybe they have a sense of humor, or at the very least can recognize one.  I've apparently lost mine.

But as for not giving you much to work with, arguing with you is a bit like arguing with a fanatical Christian convinced that his God has to be your God too.  All your arguments spiral down to a single inarguable statement:

There aren't any women on our slam team.

Good point.  Why don't you make it a few thousand more times?

Of course, when you're not making that point, you're ridiculing our venue, which was, frankly, a bit below the belt, and was what inspired my "hit a nerve" remark.  (As for Adventure Boy's comment about dresses, well, I only play his father on television -- beyond that it's out of my hands.)

If your revival of this feud is either a sinister plot to keep us occupied on this forum while your women sharpen their uber-poems, or at the very least, an attempt to throw us off our game, well, I can't speak for my teammates -- not that I would want such a dubious responsibility -- but rest assured that I'm just as off my game as ever, and I spend more time fussing over errant eyebrow hairs than I do rehearsing my poems.

I suspect, though, that what this is really about is that you like our women more than yours, or else you wouldn't be harping incessantly about their absence.

--Ernst

[LoGic]

after the slam , we have it out in a winner take all super battle royal bout of

UNO.....

thats right, all the trash talk, all the innuendos, all the ego smashing, and now you have all made me resort to this....

i got MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAad uno skills son!!!